Friday, December 22, 2006

A Few Consultant Jokes

Whats the difference between a consultant and a cable car? A cable car stops when it loses track.
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A man walks into a consultanyt's office and enquires about the rates for a study.
"Well, we usually structure the project up front and charge £50 for three questions" replies the consultant. " Isn't that a bit steep" asked the man.
"Yes" the consultant replied "and now what is yopur thrid question?"
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A consultant is someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time, and then keeps your watch.
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A consultant's credo: Learn to be sincere even if you have to fake it.
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A surgeon, an engineer and a consultant are discussing what the oldest profession in the world could be.
The surgeon says : "As God created Eve from Adam's rib, I consider this as a medical act, so, the oldest profession is the one of surgery".
Of course, the engineer doesn't agree and replies: "No, no, in the Bible, it is stated that God created Earth and Heaven out of the Chaos. Clearly, this is purely engineering, so mine is the oldest profession".
At which point the consultant says: "And who, you think, created that Chaos?".

And now for a few quotes in the same vein

"I never know how much of what I say is true"
Bette Midler
In many professions where others expect you to have all of the answers all of the time it can be all to easy to lose yourself in your own rhetoric. Take time to be conscious and in the room with the people you are with and more important

"Each day, and the living of it, has to be a concious creation in which discipline and order are relieved with some play and some pure foolishness"
May Sarton

Take time out to have some fun and permit yourself some foolishness, never be afraid to laugh at yourself, laughter relieves stress, remember children having fun can be at their most creative.

Just a few thoughts for the day,

Consultantinahat

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Musings of the day

On Northern Ireland of late.

So we, the good old taxpayer have been paying over a million quid for special advisors to ministers when there are no ministers. Not a bad number if you can get it. Problem is you have to be in the know so to speak.
No open competition for these roles, no fair employment legislation or monitoring forms to fill in so it makes you wonder how you get a foot through the door.

More to the point who does a special advisor advise if there are no ministers to advise? All the same must be fairly boring, all that hanging around, with that briefcase overflowing with tons of knowledge and the latest up to the date statistics and no one to feed the information to.

Given the state of our local politics you do also have to question how special has their advice been in the past. I mean, the guys in the UUP and SDLP seem to have been out advised by the DUP and Sinn Fein guys but that poor performance does not seem to have dented their salaries. And not for these lads the way of the samurai and bushido who when they lost their master committed sepuku as they felt dishonored and shamed.

No, these guys just keep taking the money. I suppose you could look at it a bit like being on the dole, they want to work; there’s just no work for them to do. Not their fault really and lets be honest, how many of us in their shoes would do otherwise?


We also had a historic meeting of Sinn Fein and the PSNI with Hugh and Gerry smiling for the cameras. Who would have forecast that one ten years ago. Given the hurt and mistrust on both sides it really is a sign that our peace process continues and that we all have bitter pills to swallow if we are to leave the next generation with something more than a conflict.


Are they building a new theatre as part of the Maze regeneration project?
Maybe Michael Stone can perform his new piece Revolving Doors there. I heard he is after Gwyneth Paltrow to play the role of Sue Porter the security officer. Sliding Doors and Revolving Doors are all the same to Michael and if the judge plays his cards right Michael’s “work of art” could run longer than the Mousetrap. Apparently HMP Maghaberry is all set for their new artist in residence.

Elsewhere in the world
M Blair is out and about in the Middle East helping them sort out their differences. Given his track record in Northern Ireland and Iraq it won’t be long before Hamas are sitting in the Knesset or the whole area is in chaos. Guess a man’s got to leave his mark somehow.

What about Lembit Opik who has proven he supports an immigration policy. His recent relationship with one of the Cheeky Girls has thrust him into the spotlight for a short time. Well done Lembit in supporting a multicultural Britain. Even the girls’ mother likes him but watch out for the storm cloud gathering from weathergirl Sian Lloyd, she may not turn the other cheek.

Well that’s enough of my rambling.

Consultantinahat.

New Grandson

Well Young Cole arrived fit and well and with a full head of hair.

He's already getting used to his grandpa's voice and in no time at all he will be chasing around after his older brother.

It is a much more relaxed relationship as a grandparent. There is less pressure and it allows you to act more as a mentor and friend which is pretty cool I have to say. This young man is grandchild number four so I am starting to get the hang of the job and it is fun all the way.

Anyway, that's all for now, will get back to some musings soon.

Bye

Consultantinahat

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Times, they are a changing or are they?

The musings of a closer to 50 than 40 year old.

On Northern Ireland

So was it a historic moment or not? In a very brief TV news clip the Rev Ian Paisley DUP Leader directly addressed the Sinn Fein Leader Gerry Adams even to the point of advising him on his scholarly studies to gain a better understanding of Presbyterianism and perhaps more in keeping with his role as a member of the clergy and saver of souls encouraging Gerry to read the bible. While Gerry appeared to find the engagement in the main amusing at times the dialogue also appeared to have a serious side when the thorny issue of policing was raised. Gerry like the rest of us knows that the question of Sinn Fein’s full engagement with the PSNI and signing up to Policing and the Justice system has for some time not been a question of if but when and if devolution is to be re-established then he must make it happen quickly.

The engagement also raised questions for many regarding the DUP’s policy of No No Never over the last 35 years. While the hard line has no doubt contributed to the DUP’s overtaking the UUP in the electoral polls many are also asking did it give Sinn Fein the time to organise and co-ordinate their political strategy which led to their establishment as the largest Nationalist/Republican party driving the more moderate SDLP into second place.

Did the Rev Paisley’s opposition which helped kill off the Sunningdale Agreement - the 1970s equivalent of the Northern Ireland Assembly and the Good Friday Agreement and subsequent opposition to any form of power sharing with moderate nationalists lead us to the situation today were the DUP will enter into a power sharing agreement with Sinn Fein, a party with clear links to one of the most dangerous terrorist organisation of modern times.

Would Sunningdale have brought an earlier peaceful solution to the N I conflict if such strong opposition had not been mobilised which led to its collapse?

If Sunningdale had been allowed a chance would it have brought us to a more fair and just society without the 30 odd years of violent conflict?

Would the IRA have gained such strong support within Republican and nationalist communities if people had a viable political alternative?

Would the violence have happened anyway?

Did the policy of NO NO Never build the resolve of the pro union community not to be bullied into a United Ireland and give them a stronger position at the negotiating table?

Just a few of the many questions which if you can answer may make you “a better man than I am, Gunga Din!”

On another but related train of thought Professor Sir George Bain published the report of the Independent Strategic Review of Education which states that “There are too many schools with too few pupils”.

This is just another example of an outcome of our conflict and our need to duplicate services and infrastructure. In some cases schools from the State and Catholic Maintained sectors have been separated by a road yet the pupils where not provided with opportunities to engage with each other or to share the all too few resources.

In our more peaceful society it is time to drive forward change and look to find methods to share the resources and facilities and give children opportunities to work together and learn more of each other dispelling the myths that still abound. There are many models of good practice which can be replicated which do not compromise or inhibit the ability to education children in the aspects of the faith they are born into. The financial saving alone will surely provide government with an opportunity to provide a better education for all our children.

My one concern would be that the rationalisation will lead to the demise of more rural schools.

Perhaps the powers that be will realise the link between planning for rural areas and the rural schools service and we will see land in the area of rural schools zoned for responsible development to ensure their security rather than trying to drive our children into centralised urban schools.


Elsewhere in the world

The Iraq Study Group is due to release its report in Washington today which may set the stage for potential changes in US tactics in Iraq. That is of course if George Bush decides to implement any of its recommendations. He may be helped by a comment from the prospective new Defence Secretary Robert Gates, an ex-CIA Director.

Asked at a Senate Armed Services Committee nomination hearing recently if the US was winning in Iraq, he replied: "No, sir." The committee hearing was as gloomy as his comment.

Talk about stating the obvious. Problem is how the US does and Britain get out of this one?

All suggestion graciously welcomed at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington and 10 Downing Street, London

And Gordon Brown will launch his 10th pre-Budget report today and try to be more “green” than the Conservative Leader David Cameron. Heaven help those who choose to drive larger comfortable cars that leave more of a carbon footprint.

And going back to Northern Ireland, what about the gradual rise of the Conservatives in NI. Do they offer the viable alternative to our "tribal politics" that so many in NI claim they desire?

They must surely offer some security for those who wish to remain part of GB,
I mean, would they ditch NI if they had a number of MPs, MLA’s Councillors and such?
Maybe their focus would be on tackling the bread and butter (real butter please) issues that we harp on about?


Newsflash

I have just become a grandfather again. A baby boy and mother and son both doing well. What a great day. Will update this great news later.


Anyway, that enough for me for now. Please feel free to comment on any of the musings and ramblings raised here and don't be afraid to have some fun with it.


Consultantinahat